How/Why I got involved
My EMS Life
My Fire Life
The Final Inspection
Blood upon the shield
The Police Officer
The EMT Prayer
Who can Our Kids Look To?
St. Florian's Prayer
Fire & Ice
& Women of Character
As I sit here all alone, with no one to talk to.
I am thinking of suicide and I don't know what to do.
I ask myself all the time, "Why did this happen to me?"
"Why was I the one to develop this nasty disease called PTSD?"
What did I do to deserve this terrible fate?
And why does everyone look at me with such hate?
Everyone at work just stops and stares. Is it that no one cares?
Or is it that they just don't comprehend that at this moment all I need is a
I guess it could be that they are
scared of PTSD,
and it could happen to them since it happened to me.
Does it mean that I am weaker than all the rest?
I don't think so, I know I did my BEST.
But obviously, my best wasn't enough and three kids deaths were rough.
Not only on their parents and family.
But they were particularly hard on me.
Oh how I wish that I could forget what I have seen.
But when kids are involved, it never leaves me.
I carry around their memory deep inside of me
and when I close my eyes they are all that I see.
It's just that I hate to see people in pain.
And I hate it when all of my work is in vain.
I realize that we can't save them all.
But after a while I started to fall.
I don't know what I am going to do.
I am just all of the time feeling so blue.
I don't see the point of continuing this life.
When all I feel is a lot of strife.
I am just not the same person that I used to be.
I am depressed all the time and am never happy.
Crying is all I ever do.
I just can't shake this mood of always being blue.
Oh how that I wish that I could,
So I can get on with my life like I know I should.
But it is just not that easy to see,
That this disease has total control over me.
How I wish that there was someone who I could talk to
Who knows what I am going through.
But I can't seem to find anyone who is willing.
No one understands how much just
talking would help my healing.
So I just to continue to do it alone.
While I just keep wishing to get to go "home."
But I am too weak and too scared to take my own life.
I could never use a gun or knife.
So when I decide that the time is right
One night I will just say "goodnight."
It will all be pain free for me.
I will just take some pills and go to
And I just hope that my few friends and family
Will understand that I am finally happy.
I just can't take hurting this bad
and always being so sad.
Please let them know that I love them all so
It's just that it is time for me to go.
So I just want to say I love you and Good-bye
and please everyone.....don't cry.
For I am going to a far better place.
Where I will live forever in His grace.
I will never again feel all of this pain.
And we will one day all meet again.
Written by: Debbi
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